Is it even possible to hide all umbrel traffic behind somehing like Nord or Express VPN?
I assume you want to run your node in a hybrid way (TOR & Clearnet), if so please consult this guide how to configure your node: LND: Tor & Clearnet - How to setup hybrid-mode
When it comes to hiding your private IP for Clearnet purposes I would recommend the use of https://tunnelsats.com/ It provides a VPN Service specialised for Lightning Nodes.
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this information is really helpful thank you.